


I Thought I Could See My Reflection in Those Disgusting Scales

by Ghetsyde



Series: Six Lines of Repentance [1]
Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Depression, Emotional Manipulation, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry everyone, M/M, Suicidal Ideation, Suicidal Thoughts, This didn't need to exist, This is not healthy, This is potentially triggering, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Unhealthy Relationships, Why did I do this to you, this is why i shouldn't be allowed to write fanfiction, virgil no
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-25
Updated: 2018-11-25
Packaged: 2019-08-29 00:08:52
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 553
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16733271
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ghetsyde/pseuds/Ghetsyde
Summary: [this is not meant to sympathize with abusers. this is just an idea i got that doesn't make deceit abusive for no reason and it provides both sides of a story in a format similar to a poem. reader discretion is advised.]Every morning, he'd ask me how his scales looked.If I didn't use the right word, he'd sob and claim that he was hideous.He was the most disgusting creature I'd ever seen in my entire life,But I thought he loved me, so I kept quiet and slit my wrists in secretTo release the painful guilt I felt for hurting him.But I now know that he never deserved anything remotely close to love.Every morning, I'd ask him how my scales looked.If he didn't use the right word, I'd pretend to cry and claim that I was hideous.I felt bad about it because I loved him, truly, with my whole heart,But I was afraid he'd leave me, so I kept on doing it and tore up my flesh in secretTo release the hatred I felt towards myself for hurting him.And that only reinforced the fact that I never deserved anything remotely close to love.





	I Thought I Could See My Reflection in Those Disgusting Scales

Every morning, he'd ask me how his scales looked.  
If I didn't use the right word, he'd sob and claim that he was hideous.  
He was the most disgusting creature I'd ever seen in my entire life,  
But I thought he loved me, so I kept quiet and slit my wrists in secret  
To release the painful guilt I felt for hurting him.  
But I now know that he never deserved anything remotely close to love.

I though I loved him.  
Looking at him now, with his icy gaze and the chunks of skin beneath his fingernails  
I wonder why I decided I wanted to be around him. I guess that  
I thought I could see my reflection in those disgusting scales,  
And he convinced me that it was true,  
So I was glued to him with my own dried blood.

To others, he was a vile being, unworthy of trust.  
I see that now, but the scars still show on my flesh, my mind, and my soul  
Back then, I did not believe them  
Because I thought I knew the real him.  
Sometimes, that mindset comes creeping back, trying to take over  
And I cannot risk sharing my pain, so I must deal with it alone.

He is so much sadder and lonelier now,  
Just as he deserves.  
That man used me, as if I were an object instead of a being with thoughts and emotions,  
And he took everything from me, stripped me down to nothing.  
Until I realized what a healthy relationship was like  
And that my happiness is what causes him despair.

\---

Every morning, I'd ask him how my scales looked.  
If he didn't use the right word, I'd pretend to cry and claim that I was hideous.  
I felt bad about it because I loved him, truly, with my whole heart,  
But I was afraid he'd leave me, so I kept on doing it and tore up my flesh in secret  
To release the hatred I felt towards myself for hurting him.  
And that only reinforced the fact that I never deserved anything remotely close to love.

I knew I loved him.  
Looking at him now, with that brighter, happier look, and his new hoodie  
I wonder why he thought he was happy with me. I guess that  
I thought I needed him to survive in this hellish half of this mind,  
And I convinced him that he needed me too,  
So I tied him to myself with a rope of his heartstrings.

To others, he was simply irritating, more like nuisance than a coworker.  
They see that they were wrong, now, but no one will ever forget or forgive my crimes.  
Back then, I almost convinced myself that this was okay  
Because I loved him and I thought he loved me too.  
Sometimes, that mindset comes creeping back, trying to take over  
And no one will listen to my pain, so I must deal with it alone.

He is so much happier and brighter now,  
Just as he deserves.  
That man worshiped me, as if I were some kind of god with no imperfections,  
And I used him, forced him to support my failing self-esteem.  
Until I realized that I truly am the monster I appear to be  
And that his happiness is now my eternal despair.

**Author's Note:**

> I got sad and just started spouting shit until this existed.  
> I'm sorry.
> 
> I also found out that the past tense of "worship" is "worshiped" and not "worshipped" via a combination of Google and spellcheck.


End file.
